After a poignant moment with Paisley tonight, I put the girls to bed, sat down with a glass of wine, and began my stroll down memory lane. Truth be told, I could only go back so far as the photos and videos from the very early months are on another computer, but I delved a ways. I am on the brink of celebrating Paisley's 5th birthday and for some reason, I am finding it a particularly emotional one. I catch myself as I sing to the girls at night for bedtime, pausing to reflect about all that has happened in the last five year, about how fast life moves, how cruelly fast, but how gracefully past at the same time. There are events that make us wish time would go 

 faster, time would ease pain, loss and hurt, while other times, it is just this fast speed of time that causes the pain. I know in some world, in some way, mom can see our girls, but the sadness I feel at her absence in their life can be only partially eased with the knowledge that I can help them know her in little ways...sayings, stories, pictures....
I miss her, I miss the opportunity to see my kids in her lap, smiling with her, making her laugh, making her feel special....as special as they make me feel.....I am so lucky that they have come into my life and I just wish she could have been brought similar joy by them. One can say that Lauren and I filled those gaps for her and made her feel what I feel, but it would be different to be able to share it with her as her daughter, with her granddaughters. Sharing that I was fortunate enough to be able to do for 34 years with my grandmother....a calm, steady, caring, and confident woman in my life. I miss her, too. Oh, the woes of a quiet night, a glass of wine, memory lane, pictures, and reminisences...

Back to the poignant moment....
      As I folded numerous children's clothes that were generously given to us by a friend, Paisley looked on to see the star patterns on the new shirt, the colorful tiers of the dress, and with such simple excitement she proclaimed, "I have so many clothes I can't decide what to wear for my birthday, the concert and all these things." I said, "That's a good problem to have." She looked at me with an calm and sincere expression on her face(NOT one of 'I know mommy will like what I have to say') and asked, "Instead of giving the clothes that are too small for me to someone who already has a lot of clothes, can we give them to someone who doesn't have a lot of clothes?" 

What could I do, but feel my entire body swell with pride and sheer happiness? How is it that a girl about to turn 5 can already truly understand empathy and the simple gifts that one can give and receive in life? I hugged her, kissed her, told her we certainly could and that she could help me pick out what was too small....that I loved how she was thinking and that it was a wonderful idea.

So, as I looked through old pictures and videos, I couldn't help but include this one...one of Paisley reading before she turned 2 and one of her abc's just weeks before her 2nd birthday; now, here we are 5 days from her 5th birthday and she is comfortably reading any book we put her way, and has been for a few months now....she is interested in life, eager to learn, caring of others, and in many ways, she embodies the characteristics of what I admired, loved, and now miss most in my mother and grandmother.....perhaps that is my lesson....I can see their love and strength in our girls. 

As both girls approach their 3rd and 5th birthdays....a tribute will be coming....another chance to escape and venture down memory lane!