Purple....one of Paisley's favorite colors. Tomorrow the next chapter begins for her. Today she had her "break the ice" picnic with us present, and tomorrow she will spend the day at Pre-K without us. Dave and I spent a few brief moments talking about it today, amidst the start of school for us, and we quickly found ourselves asking, "have we done enough?" While I watched her dangle from the monkey bars, yelling in fear, though only 1 1/2 feet from the ground, I was tempted to say, "jump" and tempted to run and catch her on the way down. I acted somewhere in the middle: walked towards her, though slowly enough to allow her to fall. I thought I should show her my support, yet permit her the space to discover that she CAN do it. She fell, so my plan backfired! There I was holding her, her screaming in both fear and embarassment, as other parents looked on, most likely thinking, "we've all been there, and I'm glad it's not me today!" However, as I felt her hold on, I was sure I wanted to say, "it will be ok, I know this is more about the greater fear: the fear of this new school, of this next road you are about to travel, and less about this little fall that left no bruises." But, I quietly rocked her, calmed her, and on we went with our day. Not wanting to lose the opportunity, we spent time talking tonight while she ate her dinner. I told her about how so many feelings swirling inside of us can make us emotional, how to calm herself in those moments, how to reach out to others when she feels she needs support in a new, sometimes, lonely, but oh so exciting place. The look in her eyes seemed to say, "I know mommy and I'm so glad it's ok to be scared." As she was drifting off to sleep with me rubbing her back, she looked at me and timidly said, "I'm not ready." Not ready I thought. Of course you are ready...you are in your pj's, lights are off, songs are sung, stories, read....yet that thought was only fleeting as it was evident she meant so much more. She has always been a bit of an old soul, and this was one of the glimpses of who she is, who she will be, and I wasn't sure what to say. How often children leave us speechless. I paused, hugged her and said it was ok. I was with her...my love is always in her heart and she is never alone. I wonder what we will discuss in the next week. I wonder what will go through her reeling brain. She is excited. She is scared. She is nervous. She feels special. She feels like a big girl. So do I.
It is with all of these emotions that I will take her tomorrow, take her picture, hug her, and watch her go off on her own, full of similar emotions. I can tell already that tomorrow's writing will reflect my broader thoughts on how as mothers, we constantly worry that we are doing, thinking, acting, saying, and being enough....and that time is the ultimate answer.
Below is the website for the school for all who want to follow what Paisley and her classmates will be doing.
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